Thoughts at the halfway mark...

I'm coming to 19 weeks now, and suddenly yesterday, I felt pregnant.

Of course, I had to deal with the lethargy & discomfort of the first trimester.My first pregnancy seemed easy in comparison to this one during the first 3 months, and it nearly made me decide to stop at 2. But yesterday noon, the lower back pain came subtly yet strong, so much so that I would have asked for a seat on the MRT if no one offered me. Then last night, a calf muscle cramp gripped so hard I can still feel the soreness now. & I found myself feeling creaky during the yoga stretches today. I had a backache after sitting on the floor for 10 minutes earlier.

The thing is, I know I am pregnant and I desire this baby, but somehow the reality of actually having a 2nd child and a daughter at that - something I daydreamed about after giving birth to Ian - has not set in fully.

Maybe I haven't had the time to enjoy & savour every moment like my 1st time. Watching Ian grow up keeps me fully occupied... I do at times feel bad about not devoting so much to Zoe, but I suspect many 2nd time mums have some kind of guilt here or there too. There's just not that much gear & knowledge to equip myself with this round, so I just buy clothes as a ritual of getting myself prepared.

I often think back on my first pregnancy experience & reminisce... I will never feel that way again, cos every pregnancy is different, now I know. It would be great to have distinct memories of carrying Zoe though, so maybe the occasional insomnia, the need to rest my back & leave Ian to his Dad, the urge to buy baby girl clothes, will provide me with some quiet time with her.

Last night, I also felt very distinctly Zoe's regular movements, like flutters below my navel. I wondered how she looks like & pray she takes on our best features, have a temperament like her Dad's, is an easy baby, and will be a good sibling to her kor kor... well, this part is still the same, the uncertainty, the prayers, the hope, the eager anticipation of our very own, Pauline+Glenn version 2. This still keeps me excited.

Melbourne Holiday 2011 - Part 2

Day 3

It was the first of our day tours. I had booked the Great Ocean Road daytrip with Melbourne Private Tours, & this turned out to be the best daytrip in my opinion. Our guide John is a 66 years old Melbournian retiree who could not stand sitting around the house for more than a week, & so had taken up the job of being a tour guide.

John arrived right on timein a Kia Carnival, complete with car seat, enough to fit the 6 of us comfortably. He was well prepared too, he had a spare windbreaker & a spare fleece jacket in case the weather turns, which it did.

Along the way, we chatted casually about Melbourne life & prices of apartments in the city (around AUD600k up), yes it's quite Singaporean to do so yeah. John told us about life in Geelong, the town enroute to GOR, & how good schools & priximity to MB city made it a good place to stay. I thought, half an hour's travelling time to CBD is not too bad, it's like me now in Singapore.

The first stop was Torquay, apparently the birthplace of surf & where brands like Billabong etc come from. We passed rows of pretty houses that looked like holiday chalets yet big & livable enough for long term. There was a factory outlet kinda setup in the town where John says surfers can spend the entire day shopping for wetsuits & boards. I was charmed by the holiday feel of the small town, indeed many Australians flock here for holiday in the summer, & many to have their virgin experience at surfing in the sheltered bay in Torquay.

It was raining when we arrived at the beach, but we could see how beautiful the beach might be on a good day. It looked like just the place for a retreat. As we drove off, we saw a man in tees & shorts jogging. The temperature was probably 15 deg or less with wind & rain. Shudders.

Less than half hour's drive away is Bells Beach, the surf capital, & where the annual international surf competition is held. John pointed to the spot where the pro surfers showed their stuff & described his own experience surfing there: '..because there is no real beach, you had to descend a steep flight of steps with your board, & hop onto the choppy waves. I tried that when I was young & I wondered why did I do this, was pretty scary.' We looked & saw chopy waves crashing into a cliff. Yup, that was where they surfed. Sharks are not uncommon in these areas too, I was told.

The GOR was built during the depression, where the need to provide work coupled with the need to link up towns to the city spurred its construction. John told of the houses that used to stand near the coast, but were destroyed during the last bushfire. Now, houses that remain cannot be sold, it will be returned to the government when the next inheritant passes on. Hope I got that fact correct.

Shortly after, we stopped at Airey's Inlet, which holds a lighthouse that's part of a network of lighthouses working on automation to guide ships entering the narrow waterways of Port Philip into MB ports, known as "threading the needle". There had been many shipwrecks in that part of the coast in history. The lights are now automated but volunteers continue to visit the lighthouses for regular maintenance, John's nephew being one of them. I'm kinda amazed that people would actually volunteer for these, nobody really sees you doing it, there's little recognition, & it's quite a chore driving up to the deserted place, so this is truly volunteering. I wonder how many in Singapore would do it.

We stopped for coffee in a nice cottage run by a couple, & the coffee lived up to John's description. We walked to the lighthouse some 200m away in rain & wind, for our first photo op.

It was there we discovered our boy is really an adventurer, not afraid of rain or cold. He is as hardy as his Dad. It was probably below 15 deg with the sea wind & all. Here, he insists on walking...no holding hands. The Daddy scrambles to keep a hand on him.

John tells us this weather is in his own opinion the best way of seeing the GOR, with the treacherous winds & waves. This is the Southern Ocean, the GOR coast being the first coast north of Antartica, with nothing in between. I was awed.

About an hour further up we stopped at Apollo Bay, the place where fresh fish were caught, cooked & sold to the locals & not exported elsewhere. It was still drizzling & we braved the winds to settle in a cosy couple-run restaurant. It was too bad we didn't have fish & chips, though the hearty home-cooked sandwiches & pies & our first free wi-fi made it up.

We took a turn into the forests of Otway National Park that hugs part of the GOR, & the farms that surrounding. When we emerged, it was at the site of the 12 Aspostles. These standalone ruck formations were a result of many years of the elements shearing away at the rock, leaving parts to crumble & others to continue facing the wind & waves. This process continues till today, where we have only 9 apostles left, & who knows how many will still be standing by the time Ian come back?

Here, Ian looks pensively out to sea while John relates stories of the ocean & Daddy regrets not bringing his windbreaker out.

There were well-organsied walkways on the cliffs for as close a viewing as possible.

The rocks were awesome & you can still see coloured layers & the fault lines. Nearby, helicopters were bringing tourists up for aerial views every other minute, which was what occupied Ian that entire time.

A short drive away was a bay which tells the amazing story of how a shipwreck survivor was washed ashore, saw another girl hanging onto a floating mast, managed to bring her on land, nursed her in a cave, & climbed up the cliffs to get help from a not so nearby farmhouse. The cliffs were almost vertical so it's anyone's guess how he made it up. The shipwreck cost 50 over lives, mainly Irish immigrants, & they're now buried in a adjacent graveyard & memorial.

We left GOR & drove back through the inland roads for about 2-3 hours. When we were not sleeping, we interviewed John about politics & taxes in Melbourne (tax is 40%+!!) & what he did before retiring. My picture of MB as a well-run city continues to be reinforced through John's sharing.

We arrived back in the hotel at 7pm+, just as planned. It was a memorable day for me, GOR with its wild & wet weather, scenic towns quiet forests.

Melbourne Holiday 2011 - Part 1

Day 0

After a week of splitting housework & childcare amongst my parents and us, I was glad to be finally heading for our family holiday, which I started planning 3 months or more earlier.

But first, we gotta get through packing for Ian, no joke because of the cold weather & the restricted Australian customs. I decided to pack enough milk powder & diapers for 2 days only (so that in case it's confiscated, I will not waste the expensive Enfa milk ;) ) & buy the rest in MB. To add to that, Ian's leg infection had not totally healed so there were prescriptions &meds to take care of. Leaving nothing to chance.

When it came to my clothes, I realised I was severely under-prepared. No warm clothing for my pregnant size at all! Totally overlooked that part so I just had to make do.

Slept at 5am getting everything organised for the family.

Day 1

Our flight was at 10pm & though we had the entire day to finish up, it still seemed like a rush to the airport.

Near late noon, Ian had started having runny stools every other hour. Glenn managed to buy diarrhoea meds from the pharmacy, but changing diapers & feeding 2 types of meds right before entering the gate was pretty tiring. Our spirits were not dampened though.

As expected, Ian was excited about being in and around the "big big" planes. He could not stay still or seated, it was hard to belt him up.

We were seated at the front row, which meant the bars between the seats could not be lifted. So after 3 hours of trying to keep Ian entertained with Thomas the Train on flight channel, Glenn had to hold him tosleep, acting like a sort of human cushion. Both slept upright. It was pretty hard on Glenn.

Day 2

Arriving in Melbourne, the customs process was easier than expected. We reached our hotel Mantra at Russell right in the heart of CBD at 11am & headed to Queen Victoria Market. The weather was just right, sunny yet cool - probably 20 deg - & it was only a short walk to the free circle tram.

Not surprisingly, Ian was as fascinated by the trams. The ride was slow, crowded & shook quite abit, but it was an experience. We settled for our first MB meal - eggs breakfast style at lunchtime - the start of many more of these to come. The cheena men would soon grow tired of the ang moh food. :)

Queen Vic Market is vast & the most interesting sections are probably the fresh produce.

We were only 2 hours before the travelling tiredness set in. Check out the shag faces on our way back.

The apartment was a pleasant surprise, very cosy with kitchenette, laundry & dryer. The only thing was my brother had to sleep on a sofa bed.

Noon was spent recovering from lack of sleep. My mum's 3 cousins, their daughter & son-in-law, & their adorable grandson Aidan - all MB residents - met with us and brought us to Sharkfin restaurant. As it turns out, our hotel is beside Chinatown & near the Greek street.

We were expecting Chinese food that tastes bad, but Sharkfin was excellent. The dishes tasted different, but they were good. After dinner, we walked opposite to Woolworths, where we stocked up on our essentials: oats, milk, toiletries et al.

Parenting 102

Ian is not 2 yet, but he has been testing his boundaries. A sly step into the balcony before his Daddy catches him in the act & hollers "NO!" is followed by quiet submission for 10 minutes, before he tries again.

With the dawn of this new era - Ian finding freedom, & wanting to use it - we find ourselves settling into default good cop bad cop roles. For once, I get to be good cop (Whee!)! Ian is smart & always tries to get away with cheeky grins whenever I act fierce. With Glenn, obedience is immediate.... & so we've been finding Glenn doing much of the stern-faced commanding while I (whee!) get to do the embracing & the sayang thing, allowing my maternal love to overflow.. Haha.

Recently I've been wondering if Glenn is too harsh with him. As much as I enjoy my good cop, I don't want Ian to grow up fearing his Dad. I imagine that when a child is brought up by fear, there might be submission in the short-term, but the child will be stifled, and will seek to flee once he has wings.

As parents, we do have to make firm stands and enforce discipline, because here is the foundation to the years ahead, and we begin with the end in mind. Yet the discipline has to be tempered & exceeded much more with unconditional love. It's one thing to love your child (most parents do), it's another for your child to know the extent of your love (many children do not know). It's one thing to love your child unconditionally, and it's another to be lazy & let your child do anything he wants, to his own future detriment.

So today I thought of how parenting is, again, so similar to management. If rule is by fear, there is no bond, no space for creativity & growth, no efficiency, because one has to hold our breaths with every step. On the other extreme, laissez faire management only fuels time bombs that will one day explode for the unfortunate person who inherited the situation.

It takes wisdom, experience & dedication to make the calls, when is too much and when some mistakes are allowed. I might be too idealistic in thinking this, but I think it anyway: it's all about the people. The products & the process comes second.

It's a rare manager who combines warmth, firmness, space to try & fail, strong guidance & direction, and strategic interference. The handful I know in this great manager category have this in common: their people-orientation, going out of their way for their people, focus on growing their people's talents.

With that in mind and with God's grace, may we grow to be the parents who knows when to what, whose children know how much they are unconditionally loved by us, even when we discipline.

& as we become good parents, so will we become as managers...hopefully.

Here I go again...

I can barely remember how it was like during the 1st trimester of having Ian in my tummy, save for the key highlights, like seeing Ian for the first time through the scan, in a tiny 3.4mm yolk sac beating vigorously. That was the turning point from being depressed to all-embracing.

So 19 months on, with my 2nd child 6 weeks old in my belly, I found myself asking "was it like this the last time?!". This pregnancy definitely feels different. For one, I do not remember having this voracious appetite during the 1st trimester. This nauseous feeling sets in every few hours, and triggers very specific cravings to curb the nausea.

Like out of nowhere, I needed carrot cake. Needed is the word because any other foods will not help. Then there were chwee kuay, pastamania's pasta, fried beehoon. For the past few days I've been seeking food every 3-4 hours.

Only God can feed me and keep my weight gain below 11kg this time round! This coming week looks scary from here, I really don't know how I can go through it and do everything I want to do. I will have to take it one day at a time and just do it. So God, this week, it's on You. You will carry me through & I will come out smelling sweet still. :)

The week in review....

...basically sucked for the most part.

But, since it's not me to stay negative, I'll put on that clear-coloured glasses & take a look back on one of the more stretching week in recent memories....

Some perspectives are not shaped through time & tide. Some are shifted dramatically all of a sudden....

One day, I remembered again why in school, I never wanted to work in the corporate world. I saw that the air up there is not cooler and less crowded. Rather, there's less air and with so many wanting to be up and stay up, it does get quite suffocating. True, the view is beautiful, but how much do those guys enjoy it at day's end? Question mark 1.

Another day, I saw such a disparity of management styles....

Earlier the year, my country's top leader, PM Lee, had to (or perhaps chose to) apologise in a rally in Raffles Place. He had to reach out to ordinary folks on Facebook. My favourite minister - BG Yeo - rallied earnestly for a chance to be given to represent us. The transport minister - whatever his intentions were - had to take MRT trains and buses at peak hours, to have first hand experience of what his people go through 5 days a week. The housing minister blogs regularly, colouring perceptions of the market, promising to help the young couples own a flat faster, cheaper.

So who is one to think that high-handedness, continuous tough-talk, and ordering from a distance is going to work? I guess certain leaders get to where they are for certain strengths they have. But to date, I have not seen the X factors. Perhaps that one is too far away to see, or that one simply can't see the forest for the trees. I wonder what is that one's JO? And is this a leader worth fighting for? Question mark 2.

And finally, on that clear day that started the fire, I marvelled at the beauty of God's marine creation, while stoning (& fuming) on a crowded MRT train home....

From my baby steps as a marine aquarist, I already know not all fishes are compatible. & fishes of the same kind might also fight. & some fishes, invertebrates, and corals just have a symbiotic relationship with one another. My part is to ensure that my water chemicals - no less than 8 parameteres - together with the lighting & the feeds, combine to give the group of compatible, beautiful creatures a comfortable home.

I marvel not just because it's so interesting, but also because some fish characteristics so resemble people. Take the anemone. It's beautiful to look at, but it stings other corals, and under desperation, it might excrete its gooey innards that end up clouding, poisoning and stinking the whole tank. My real anemone met such a death, and thankfully we removed it before the pollution. My anemone in real life however, is there in all its glory. But I've seen it for who it really is, and I know it has no place in the tank. Who put it there in the first place? & why isit still being fed? Question 3.

In the overall scheme of things, I know this week I've shifted alittle stance, and grounded a little stance. I thank God that though the answers were not all given to me this week, I can wake up every morning and count on Him for fresh blessings and grace to keep me on the right track. That I don't have to be afraid or strive for survival, I only need to sit, and rest in Jesus. Period.

The 5+ things I miss most....

I'll be very honest about being a mum.

It's not that I've been sugarcoating parenting cos I truly enjoy it. Only here, I should highlight that parenting is not without its sacrifices, for sure.

2 years from the time I discovered I was pregnant, there are some things I still miss...

1. My fitter, slimmer body

2. Freedom to exercise

3. DINK cashflow

4. Hangin out on Friday nights for dinner & entertainment...

5. Free time to go regular manicures, pedicures, facials & massages

This list, in descending degree of miss-meter, made up about 50% of the lifestyle I had pre-Ian. The other 50% is of course work.

Now, my lifestyle looks like this:

40% work

40% with Ian

20% home on my FB, blog, TV & swimming when Ian is asleep

10% yoga, golf, gym, mani pedi, movies.

= 110%

It's true. Yoga is a rushed job during lunch or right after work. Golf, gym, manicures, & movies... they are once in awhile. It could easily be much less regular if not for the support I have.

On many Fridays just like today's, I would ride home with a less than full MRT cabin. It also seemed I am walking in the opposite direction of everyone else who is headed out for dinner, dates, gatherings, while I am heading home.

On occasional Fridays just like today's, I would miss the buzz of Friday nights out. Or taking time after yoga to stretch, bathe and dress slowly, & head out wondering where to wander. (Most times, I only take 10 mins to shower dress & head out).

There are days - most days - where I am very thankful for everything I am blessed with, especially Ian. Probably less than 5 days a year, I will miss being the pre-kids freedom. This is one of those days.

But in the end, I know how it all pans out for the better. In the light of the joys being Ian's mummy bring, manicures, facials, hanging out, DINK cashflow....these sacrifices all seem very small. All except the slimmer body & time to exercise, that is.

& that is why, yoga classes are the only regular me-time I commit to nowadays. Sigh!

Carpe Diem

I'm thankful that I've been to only a handful of funerals. My paternal grandparents, my secondary school teacher, my grandmother-in-law. I could not recall if I had felt as heart-wrenched as the wake I visited today, that of my colleague's husband - whom I've never met.

The story I hear is that her husband's cancer was discovered just last year. Recently, he had some water retention and had to be checked. And then, he passed on.

When I hugged my colleague earlier, I was the one with tears in my eyes. Because in my interactions with her at work, I had never seen a shade of troubled heart or burden. She's been consistently chatty and smiley. So this was a shock to many of us at work.

Because even at the funeral, she seems determined to stay strong. She told me "praise God, he was peaceful when he left", her eyes glimmering not with tears but with hope of seeing him in heaven. And I believe she's doing this for her children.

Which is the thing that most breaks my heart: her 2 teenage children. It's because I'm also a mum, so I know how much of sharing a live together there must have been for the couple. How many nights of excited prayers during pregnancy, how many moments of joy at seeing the growing child cross milestones, how many believing God together times, how many strategise on managing the children sessions, how many exchanging knowing parent looks moments, how many dreaming of the future, quarrelling about plans, and making up times.

The word to describe is "xing suan" in Chinese. Not so much of a heart feeling sour, more of a heart feeling so much for her yet there are no words appropriate enough, to give her the comfort she deserves. The best I could do was to give her a hug, & hold back my tears, seeing how much she does not want that even for herself.

I pray that God will restore many more times of what she has lost here on earth. And that her future and her children's future will shine brighter and brighter. God's grace is able to do that.

It's been awhile since "carpe diem" flashed in my mind. But here it is now. Seize the day. Enjoy my loved ones and don't wait.

Lessons from my child...#1

I should take a leaf out of Ian's book in perseverance. He has fallen down several times in his quest to take the first step, yet he just keeps standing up again and again, all the time smiling, and clapping his hands.

I know kids do walk eventually and it's like a human instinct thing. Just the simplicity of this principle: not giving up even when you fall, is an encouragement. Perhaps when we get older we forget that was how we learnt to walk too. We remember too much of the pain of failing.

Now after a week of practice, Ian's balance is much better, and he is physically ready to walk. What's left now is him having confidence to take his first step, and the rest should be history.

And we'll all be relieved of carrying a 12.7kg extra load!

The weekend is over, it's time to turn the page and look forward with a smile and a believing spirit. :)

Releasing control...my first biz trip..

It's been a busy February with the CNY gatherings and activities at work kicking off in my 2nd month on the job. Haven't had time and space to update my blog.

Tomorrow, I'm going for my first of several business trips around the region. I spent an hour packing for the 2 days trip, and 4 days preparing myself mentally for the 2 days of separation from my son. Even now, I am not fully adjusted.

Yes missing him is a definite, 120% yes.

However, a thought came to my mind earlier, I should try to enjoy the next 2 evenings of 'break', where I can catchup on my book, watch TV, play iPhone games, as much as I want to. Honestly this has a slight appeal, although it doesn't bring me away from my Mummy separation anxiety totally.

I guess 2 days is just enough for a timeout.

What's more, parting is probably an essential part of parenthood. Like sending sons off to NS or overseas studies, or sending daughters off to marry, or leaving them to my parents' good hands while Glenn and I force ourselves to have couple time, or disciplining the children...all these entail doing what we do not want to do, but know we have to. I might as well start learning to manage such emotions now.

Some of my friends don't seem to have a problem with this. They love their child, but they can also let go and fly off on holiday with their hubby, leaving the baby with the parents. I suspect it's tougher for me, being the controlling type as I am. Haha.

I remember when I was DINK (Double Income No Kids), I was adamant that I will NOT revolve my entire life around my child. I WILL have my golf. I WILL make time for my close friends. I WILL have couple time.

It ain't easy at all. But I think I was right, even in my semi anti-kids days.

What I really need to do now is stop being anxious and just let go. Ian is surrounded by my good care from my parents, my helper, and Glenn. I am releasing them to God's capable Hands. I might as well stay at rest, and make the best of my time off.

Let's see how it goes! Whether I'm ready or not, BKK here I come.... :S :)

Parenting, to be or not to be...But why not?

The Saturday past, I read with initial horror the excuses Singaporeans in their late 20s and early 30s give for not wanting children. Typically, it's about not being ready or not wanting to sacrifice self, for the burdens and responsibilities.

Shortly after, I read in another article about the mixed responses to Nicole Kidman's "childbearing" by surrogacy. One of her supporters stated that given her fertility difficulties, the fact that she went all out indicates her deep desire to be a parent, which will make her a much better parent than many others who has no opinion on parenting.

That was when I started appreciating our local excuse-making women. They are, after all, making a stand based on having an opinion. This morning, I just saw a husband grudgingly accompany his wife to the PD, the wife cradling the newborn throughout the hour long waiting time, while he plays games on his iPhone and answers her questions with disinterest. How could anyone, man or woman, ignore their own cutest freshest newborn?

My conclusion is that wanting and not wanting children are acceptable positions, but being lukewarm and on the fence is not acceptable. One has got to make up one's mind on yes or no.

But to the no-folks, I would say: it's really not that burdensome and not such a big sacrifice. I used to be on your side of the river, thinking it'll be so hard to give up my colourful action-packed still-so-promising-youthful life, for the drudgery of parenting.

But when Ian came, nothing felt like a sacrifice. Sure, I no longer have time to hit the gym regularly. Manicures, pedicures and massages is a rare and rushed treat. Golf is reduced to once a quarter (from once a fortnight). I no longer work past 8pm.

But really, how can I compare these to the rush of joy at my child's milestones: his first word, first step, first tooth, and so many more firsts. Of being the person honoured to make his own history with him. Comparing life without and with kids is like comparing a fake Chanel with the genuine classic looking Chanel. I was not always conscious of the missing treats, although honestly I do look back sometimes on some of the freedom I had, but with the perspective of a stage in life I passed and might revisit in the future.

Sure, I am responsible for providing for him, not just physically but also guiding him in his mental, emotional and even spiritual development. But therein lies one of the selfish and non-altruistic part about parenting - the chance to make a difference in someone's life where you have total vested interest in. And who wouldn't want that influential position?

Yes, there are pains in parenting, physical and emotional ones. But isn't there in every worthy relationship? If pain is to be avoided, one should not even have married.

When I was learning diving, I psyched myself each time before I jumped into the sea: Just do it. I didn't leave time to fears or worries, because there will definitely be some.

Parenting is one of those things in life, where if deep inside, you really want to have a child but are stopped by all its considerations, don't be afraid, and don't think of the As to Zs. Take that leap of courage, and faith, and just step into the river. Just do it.

I'm not fat, I was just pregnant.

The process of pregnancy is a very physical one. Our uterus expands 2-3 times its usual size. Our body loosens up to accommodate the baby inside, the pelvic bones gradually widen to prepare for a 2-4kg sized human passing through. Hormones are activated to supply and channel food & nutrition to the placenta. We put on an extra 12-20kg but our legs & feet do not (& we don't wish them to) grow proportionately wider to carry this substantial weight around day after day for some 4-5 months. The process of pregnancy is nothing short of miraculous.

It's alot of activity going on everyday for 9-10 months until even after delivery, where our body works just as hard to put things back. As such, alot of resources are deployed from the mummy's body during pregnancy, some of which are not restored even after the baby is born. I myself have had hair texture changed, & I personally feel my energy level is not like before.

Why do I say all this? Because from the time we know we are pregnancy, and therefore conscious of our new identity as a MUM, we begin on the journey of sacrifices and responsibility for another human being. The onset of physical changes accompany the emotional and mental changes that begin in preparation for this new VIP in your life. Everything is compulsory for the mummy - you cannot choose not to be fat, or not to feel bad when you come down with flu (& be afraid it might affect your baby), not to instinctively touch your tummy to protect your child, not to naturally refrain from foods that are unadvisable just-in-case.

Some pregnancies are more difficult than others. But I've never come across any mummy who do not put on a brave front & bear with whatever comes their way. All sporty and never-exercised-since-secondary-school mums take the physicalities in their stride, and deal with the emotional and mental along the way without going insane (except in front of our husbands). It's as if we had all gone through NS. Where did we get the strength from? My guess is from focusing on the prize - of meeting our beloved child - that comes at the end.

I had a relatively smooth pregnancy and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I felt healthy, I swam, I golfed, I couldn't sleep for more than 5 hours at night (probably from excitement). Some mummies develop stretch marks, some the C-section scar. I didn't have those. What I have for my battle scars are the 6kg of fats still lingering on my body. Each time someone asks me if I'm pregnant again, or I try on old clothes only to keep them back, I am reminded of that physical journey I went through....

To my son, flesh of my flesh, and bone of my bones. I will put on 20kg if I have to, all over again, because you are worth every gram of fats still hanging, every bit of inconvenience, every cm of pelvis widening. My youthful body is but for a season but you, you are a thrill to be with at every stage, a joy to watch every single day. I have no regrets at all.

Still, it's not my time to have a flabby body yet. Better get back to shape. In time for my 2nd pregnancy coming (hopefully) soon.

Quest to be schooled best

Who says Singaporeans are apathetic?

I used to lament that. But over time, I've realised that Singaporeans are generally passionate about a few things such as:

1. The best of the best... in hawker food.
It doesnt matter if it's in Jalan Kayu or Tuas, if someone smells something top of its class, you'll find a queue of people there and a variety of big and small cars parking illegally. Enough said about this widely known Singaporean phenomenon.

2. Getting the best schooling for our children.
As today's Straits Times article reported, Singaporeans will queue up to register for their child's kindergarten in 2013! This is a new phenomena.

Why do we care so much about our child getting THE BEST? My thoughts were triggered by Qiaowen's post on the article in WSJ by a Chinese American on why Chinese parents are the best. The writer postulates that Chinese parents are insistent on excellence, does not allow for excuses for 2nd tier performance, and does not allow their children to perform at school plays, go for parties, etc. In other words, Chinese parents do not respect a child's wishes so long as they are still a child. They assume only they as parents know what's best. They are not sensitive to a child's self-esteem. And all these because they love their children as much and will sacrifice as much of their own resources as they will sacrifice their child's choices.

It may sound a tad stereotypical, but I believe the gist is true. We do care so much more about our child getting the top, the best, anything that is needed for financial success as an adult. While Singaporean mummies are not as extreme as the ones described in the WSJ article, we have our fair share of pushing the envelope on radical ways of loving our children. Like those parents who queued for Nanyang Kindergarten. I mean, it's kindergarten! Even I startled.

I myself had gone to SJCK to register Ian for playgroup, when he was only 3 months old. Despite being this early, Ian is still on the waitlist. And that was 2010, registering for entry to playgroup in 2012. At the same time, I ventured into http://www.kiasuparents.com/ territory and read about the top primary schools. There and then I made up my mind that I will be a Parent Volunteer, to get my boy into one of those top schools.

At the beginning I did feel abit sheepish and quietly ashamed of being so "kiasu". But it took me only the next day to seal my conviction that I, as a parent, will do whatever I can, to provide a good start for Ian. The rest is up to him.

I still consider myself a moderate because PV is part of my agenda so long as the job doesnt require me to sacrifice my youth. Like being traffic warden would be a no no. And I would not queue overnight for registration just as I would not queue overnight for a property launch. Unless we can have a fun camping experience. In spite of these, I'm still quite extreme amongst my mummy acquaintances.

Back to my ponderings about the extremes of Chinese styled parenthood. I think our definition of success has consistently been earning lots of money in an ethical way. In a land of available opportunities such as Singapore and US, we will not hesitate to grab whatever it is out there to gain an advantage, to get to success. Hard work is no problem since it has always been this way for overseas Chinese, whose ancestors had to leave home, risk life and limb, endure persecution, and start from scratch.

I know there must be more to the overseas Chinese psyche which affects our parental style. At present, I'm sitting on the fence between tough-love parenting that works, and soft love parenting that might also work. The bottomline is my safety net is God, so I'm quite happy to be moderate.

...and of change

Today alone, 3 different people have asked me if I moved to my new role because of Ian. Something along the lines of having more time with him.

To begin with, the new role doesn't guarantee more time than my previous one. It's like, if previously I was the housewife who looks after my 15 children, I now have to learn how to repair a car or design a new house for the kids. It's really a different scope of work that has its own challenges at a different level.

In the past few days I also came to a realization that in the end, change is good for everyone. My team gets to experience new leadership, I get my hands on different things. If I had given them my all during 2010, then that would be all I could give and all they could benefit from me. Now for them and me, it's time to draw from someone else who has something different to offer.

So ultimately, I took the new role because I just felt in my bones that the season is due for a change. I have lived, breathed, and enjoyed it. And I'm really thankful that at the right time, an opportunity that felt right came along and all the pieces fit in nicely for everyone.

Of integrity....

At a recent conference, I was given a new and possibly accurate definition of INTEGRITY. It means having things work the way it should work. So, if a watch and all its inner parts are functioning properly, it should show an accurate time. It would be working IN INTEGRITY.

If this is the real definition, I will highlight today's experience in a cafe in Palais as out of integrity. Here's how the conversation went roughly:

(When bill was presented by server to us)
Friend 1: I just want to highlight that your soup is not what we expected. It was too watery and looked like laksa soup. (Yes it really does). It wasn't creamy at all.

Server: Oh, because it has salmon in it, so the salmon gives off oil, so the soup has oil from the salmon.

Friend 1: Yeah I can see and have eaten the salmon. But it's a salmon, potato and leek soup, so the potato and leek should be creamy? Because the soup we had was really not something we wanted to eat.

Server: Yeah, this is the soup we serve. But you should have raised this to us when we served the soup. We would have given something else. You didn't finish the soup, right?

Friend 1: No of course not. We didn't want to have the soup.

Friend 2: Well we wanted to highlight but before we could do so it was cleared.

Friend 3: And to be honest, we wanted to have our dessert first before we told you, because of horror stories we heard about servers spitting into the foods of diners who complained.

Server: Oh, oh, we are very famous. We don't do such things.

Friend 2: ??? If you say you're f-a-m-o-u-s, shouldnt your food live up to a certain standard?

The bill was S$42 per pax after splitting, and it includes only our own main course and the 1 bowl of soup we shared. For that price, I can get better tasting food elsewhere at other nice cafes, for sure. The servers seem snotty and walked around looking busy and important.

Way out of integrity.

Things just fall into place

After a dry and quiet 2009 Christmas, 2010's holiday season seemed so exciting and fun, because Ian is finally 1 year (instead of barely 1 month) and we could celebrate and go out and enjoy our friends as a family. So when the New Year weekend was approaching, I started to dread coming back to work, which is something I hadn't felt since I joined SCB.

It was with some apprehension that I prepared for another round of waking up early and being home just before Ian sleeps. Finally on 3rd January, the cycle of work started. I had secretly been afraid of being at a loss for work - I had been doing sales for 6 years in the company before making this switch into unknown territory. If I was still managing my team, I told my husband, I would already have planned a direction and know what's needed to be done for the first 3 weeks of January.

Then Monday came, and then Tuesday, and both days were abuzz with activities. I am grateful that the pace is just right for me. I had no expectations of the colleagues, but they turned out to be rather entertaining as well. Taking the MRT back these 2 days, I felt abit of deja vu, like my feelings and thoughts when I just started work after maternity. Good sign then.

So 2011 has started on the right foot. The only thing is, when I returned yesterday, Ian seemed to want me more, and I think it's because he missed me more now, with his awareness growing. He is changing very fast, and now he can understand alot more of what's happening. This morning I taught him to stick out 2 fingers as "two", and he gamely attempted to do as I asked. Then when he was half getting there, he would suddenly erupt in enthusiastic applause for himself, grinning widely and showing his 1 single tooth.

As much as I enjoy the work I do during working hours, once I head to the MRT I will start missing Ian and wishing I could spend more time with him and chiding myself for not leaving on time. But at the end of the day, I have no complaints. There are things to work for and look forward to this year, and for the challenges, well I trust that my God will work things out for me at the right time. Like what He did for Ian's caretaking, and what He has done so many times for me. Everything just fell into place, it almost seemed natural.

With this self reminder on His faithfulness and track record, I cast my usual concerns aside. I am trusting on being surrounded by His crown of glory. :)