Parenting, to be or not to be...But why not?

The Saturday past, I read with initial horror the excuses Singaporeans in their late 20s and early 30s give for not wanting children. Typically, it's about not being ready or not wanting to sacrifice self, for the burdens and responsibilities.

Shortly after, I read in another article about the mixed responses to Nicole Kidman's "childbearing" by surrogacy. One of her supporters stated that given her fertility difficulties, the fact that she went all out indicates her deep desire to be a parent, which will make her a much better parent than many others who has no opinion on parenting.

That was when I started appreciating our local excuse-making women. They are, after all, making a stand based on having an opinion. This morning, I just saw a husband grudgingly accompany his wife to the PD, the wife cradling the newborn throughout the hour long waiting time, while he plays games on his iPhone and answers her questions with disinterest. How could anyone, man or woman, ignore their own cutest freshest newborn?

My conclusion is that wanting and not wanting children are acceptable positions, but being lukewarm and on the fence is not acceptable. One has got to make up one's mind on yes or no.

But to the no-folks, I would say: it's really not that burdensome and not such a big sacrifice. I used to be on your side of the river, thinking it'll be so hard to give up my colourful action-packed still-so-promising-youthful life, for the drudgery of parenting.

But when Ian came, nothing felt like a sacrifice. Sure, I no longer have time to hit the gym regularly. Manicures, pedicures and massages is a rare and rushed treat. Golf is reduced to once a quarter (from once a fortnight). I no longer work past 8pm.

But really, how can I compare these to the rush of joy at my child's milestones: his first word, first step, first tooth, and so many more firsts. Of being the person honoured to make his own history with him. Comparing life without and with kids is like comparing a fake Chanel with the genuine classic looking Chanel. I was not always conscious of the missing treats, although honestly I do look back sometimes on some of the freedom I had, but with the perspective of a stage in life I passed and might revisit in the future.

Sure, I am responsible for providing for him, not just physically but also guiding him in his mental, emotional and even spiritual development. But therein lies one of the selfish and non-altruistic part about parenting - the chance to make a difference in someone's life where you have total vested interest in. And who wouldn't want that influential position?

Yes, there are pains in parenting, physical and emotional ones. But isn't there in every worthy relationship? If pain is to be avoided, one should not even have married.

When I was learning diving, I psyched myself each time before I jumped into the sea: Just do it. I didn't leave time to fears or worries, because there will definitely be some.

Parenting is one of those things in life, where if deep inside, you really want to have a child but are stopped by all its considerations, don't be afraid, and don't think of the As to Zs. Take that leap of courage, and faith, and just step into the river. Just do it.

I'm not fat, I was just pregnant.

The process of pregnancy is a very physical one. Our uterus expands 2-3 times its usual size. Our body loosens up to accommodate the baby inside, the pelvic bones gradually widen to prepare for a 2-4kg sized human passing through. Hormones are activated to supply and channel food & nutrition to the placenta. We put on an extra 12-20kg but our legs & feet do not (& we don't wish them to) grow proportionately wider to carry this substantial weight around day after day for some 4-5 months. The process of pregnancy is nothing short of miraculous.

It's alot of activity going on everyday for 9-10 months until even after delivery, where our body works just as hard to put things back. As such, alot of resources are deployed from the mummy's body during pregnancy, some of which are not restored even after the baby is born. I myself have had hair texture changed, & I personally feel my energy level is not like before.

Why do I say all this? Because from the time we know we are pregnancy, and therefore conscious of our new identity as a MUM, we begin on the journey of sacrifices and responsibility for another human being. The onset of physical changes accompany the emotional and mental changes that begin in preparation for this new VIP in your life. Everything is compulsory for the mummy - you cannot choose not to be fat, or not to feel bad when you come down with flu (& be afraid it might affect your baby), not to instinctively touch your tummy to protect your child, not to naturally refrain from foods that are unadvisable just-in-case.

Some pregnancies are more difficult than others. But I've never come across any mummy who do not put on a brave front & bear with whatever comes their way. All sporty and never-exercised-since-secondary-school mums take the physicalities in their stride, and deal with the emotional and mental along the way without going insane (except in front of our husbands). It's as if we had all gone through NS. Where did we get the strength from? My guess is from focusing on the prize - of meeting our beloved child - that comes at the end.

I had a relatively smooth pregnancy and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I felt healthy, I swam, I golfed, I couldn't sleep for more than 5 hours at night (probably from excitement). Some mummies develop stretch marks, some the C-section scar. I didn't have those. What I have for my battle scars are the 6kg of fats still lingering on my body. Each time someone asks me if I'm pregnant again, or I try on old clothes only to keep them back, I am reminded of that physical journey I went through....

To my son, flesh of my flesh, and bone of my bones. I will put on 20kg if I have to, all over again, because you are worth every gram of fats still hanging, every bit of inconvenience, every cm of pelvis widening. My youthful body is but for a season but you, you are a thrill to be with at every stage, a joy to watch every single day. I have no regrets at all.

Still, it's not my time to have a flabby body yet. Better get back to shape. In time for my 2nd pregnancy coming (hopefully) soon.

Quest to be schooled best

Who says Singaporeans are apathetic?

I used to lament that. But over time, I've realised that Singaporeans are generally passionate about a few things such as:

1. The best of the best... in hawker food.
It doesnt matter if it's in Jalan Kayu or Tuas, if someone smells something top of its class, you'll find a queue of people there and a variety of big and small cars parking illegally. Enough said about this widely known Singaporean phenomenon.

2. Getting the best schooling for our children.
As today's Straits Times article reported, Singaporeans will queue up to register for their child's kindergarten in 2013! This is a new phenomena.

Why do we care so much about our child getting THE BEST? My thoughts were triggered by Qiaowen's post on the article in WSJ by a Chinese American on why Chinese parents are the best. The writer postulates that Chinese parents are insistent on excellence, does not allow for excuses for 2nd tier performance, and does not allow their children to perform at school plays, go for parties, etc. In other words, Chinese parents do not respect a child's wishes so long as they are still a child. They assume only they as parents know what's best. They are not sensitive to a child's self-esteem. And all these because they love their children as much and will sacrifice as much of their own resources as they will sacrifice their child's choices.

It may sound a tad stereotypical, but I believe the gist is true. We do care so much more about our child getting the top, the best, anything that is needed for financial success as an adult. While Singaporean mummies are not as extreme as the ones described in the WSJ article, we have our fair share of pushing the envelope on radical ways of loving our children. Like those parents who queued for Nanyang Kindergarten. I mean, it's kindergarten! Even I startled.

I myself had gone to SJCK to register Ian for playgroup, when he was only 3 months old. Despite being this early, Ian is still on the waitlist. And that was 2010, registering for entry to playgroup in 2012. At the same time, I ventured into http://www.kiasuparents.com/ territory and read about the top primary schools. There and then I made up my mind that I will be a Parent Volunteer, to get my boy into one of those top schools.

At the beginning I did feel abit sheepish and quietly ashamed of being so "kiasu". But it took me only the next day to seal my conviction that I, as a parent, will do whatever I can, to provide a good start for Ian. The rest is up to him.

I still consider myself a moderate because PV is part of my agenda so long as the job doesnt require me to sacrifice my youth. Like being traffic warden would be a no no. And I would not queue overnight for registration just as I would not queue overnight for a property launch. Unless we can have a fun camping experience. In spite of these, I'm still quite extreme amongst my mummy acquaintances.

Back to my ponderings about the extremes of Chinese styled parenthood. I think our definition of success has consistently been earning lots of money in an ethical way. In a land of available opportunities such as Singapore and US, we will not hesitate to grab whatever it is out there to gain an advantage, to get to success. Hard work is no problem since it has always been this way for overseas Chinese, whose ancestors had to leave home, risk life and limb, endure persecution, and start from scratch.

I know there must be more to the overseas Chinese psyche which affects our parental style. At present, I'm sitting on the fence between tough-love parenting that works, and soft love parenting that might also work. The bottomline is my safety net is God, so I'm quite happy to be moderate.

...and of change

Today alone, 3 different people have asked me if I moved to my new role because of Ian. Something along the lines of having more time with him.

To begin with, the new role doesn't guarantee more time than my previous one. It's like, if previously I was the housewife who looks after my 15 children, I now have to learn how to repair a car or design a new house for the kids. It's really a different scope of work that has its own challenges at a different level.

In the past few days I also came to a realization that in the end, change is good for everyone. My team gets to experience new leadership, I get my hands on different things. If I had given them my all during 2010, then that would be all I could give and all they could benefit from me. Now for them and me, it's time to draw from someone else who has something different to offer.

So ultimately, I took the new role because I just felt in my bones that the season is due for a change. I have lived, breathed, and enjoyed it. And I'm really thankful that at the right time, an opportunity that felt right came along and all the pieces fit in nicely for everyone.

Of integrity....

At a recent conference, I was given a new and possibly accurate definition of INTEGRITY. It means having things work the way it should work. So, if a watch and all its inner parts are functioning properly, it should show an accurate time. It would be working IN INTEGRITY.

If this is the real definition, I will highlight today's experience in a cafe in Palais as out of integrity. Here's how the conversation went roughly:

(When bill was presented by server to us)
Friend 1: I just want to highlight that your soup is not what we expected. It was too watery and looked like laksa soup. (Yes it really does). It wasn't creamy at all.

Server: Oh, because it has salmon in it, so the salmon gives off oil, so the soup has oil from the salmon.

Friend 1: Yeah I can see and have eaten the salmon. But it's a salmon, potato and leek soup, so the potato and leek should be creamy? Because the soup we had was really not something we wanted to eat.

Server: Yeah, this is the soup we serve. But you should have raised this to us when we served the soup. We would have given something else. You didn't finish the soup, right?

Friend 1: No of course not. We didn't want to have the soup.

Friend 2: Well we wanted to highlight but before we could do so it was cleared.

Friend 3: And to be honest, we wanted to have our dessert first before we told you, because of horror stories we heard about servers spitting into the foods of diners who complained.

Server: Oh, oh, we are very famous. We don't do such things.

Friend 2: ??? If you say you're f-a-m-o-u-s, shouldnt your food live up to a certain standard?

The bill was S$42 per pax after splitting, and it includes only our own main course and the 1 bowl of soup we shared. For that price, I can get better tasting food elsewhere at other nice cafes, for sure. The servers seem snotty and walked around looking busy and important.

Way out of integrity.

Things just fall into place

After a dry and quiet 2009 Christmas, 2010's holiday season seemed so exciting and fun, because Ian is finally 1 year (instead of barely 1 month) and we could celebrate and go out and enjoy our friends as a family. So when the New Year weekend was approaching, I started to dread coming back to work, which is something I hadn't felt since I joined SCB.

It was with some apprehension that I prepared for another round of waking up early and being home just before Ian sleeps. Finally on 3rd January, the cycle of work started. I had secretly been afraid of being at a loss for work - I had been doing sales for 6 years in the company before making this switch into unknown territory. If I was still managing my team, I told my husband, I would already have planned a direction and know what's needed to be done for the first 3 weeks of January.

Then Monday came, and then Tuesday, and both days were abuzz with activities. I am grateful that the pace is just right for me. I had no expectations of the colleagues, but they turned out to be rather entertaining as well. Taking the MRT back these 2 days, I felt abit of deja vu, like my feelings and thoughts when I just started work after maternity. Good sign then.

So 2011 has started on the right foot. The only thing is, when I returned yesterday, Ian seemed to want me more, and I think it's because he missed me more now, with his awareness growing. He is changing very fast, and now he can understand alot more of what's happening. This morning I taught him to stick out 2 fingers as "two", and he gamely attempted to do as I asked. Then when he was half getting there, he would suddenly erupt in enthusiastic applause for himself, grinning widely and showing his 1 single tooth.

As much as I enjoy the work I do during working hours, once I head to the MRT I will start missing Ian and wishing I could spend more time with him and chiding myself for not leaving on time. But at the end of the day, I have no complaints. There are things to work for and look forward to this year, and for the challenges, well I trust that my God will work things out for me at the right time. Like what He did for Ian's caretaking, and what He has done so many times for me. Everything just fell into place, it almost seemed natural.

With this self reminder on His faithfulness and track record, I cast my usual concerns aside. I am trusting on being surrounded by His crown of glory. :)